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November 16, 2012
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A deeper darkness yet to come
In nights sweet cloak of sin
Can you hear the beating drum
And see your demons grin
Lords of yonder mountains call
Where mists and secrets lie
Ladies 'scape the whispered fall
Of evils seeking eye
Warm embrace of knightly strike
Breath of greed, envy's spite
Gleaming stars and fires alike
Clash with shards of darkness night
As  hell and heaven at morrow dawn
As riddles ever dead and gone
The second one of the Sonnets I had to write for my English Major. I had no idea how to name this so I gave it the name of one of the realms of Norse Mythology Niflheim.

Comments, Critque and Feedback are appreciated :clap:


-Avy
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:iconthatfunnierpiece:
ThatFunnierPiece Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
I managed to immerse myself in the beginning, its rhythm and promising images nearing conclusion, but I couldn't find myself in the ending. First, it's less coherent, more like a list rather than a description; though it may be just me. Second, the metre gets a bit odd, first with "Breath of greed, envy's spite" technically having six syllables, but a comma adding a pause and a seventh one, and an unusual slowdown at the end. I'll have to think about this one, sort it out in my head.
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the comment. (:
I know, the last part isn't as flowing as the first one, and I might get around to it sometime and change that. For now, I can see what you mean.
I hope you still liked it (:

- Aka
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
Ugh, my mythology knowledge is incredibly rusty... :shakefist: It's the frozen world, right?

I love how this rolls off the tongue (I always read them out loud when I can). :heart: I guess I'm repeating what others have told you, but it doesn't hurt to hear more compliments - the rhythm is amazing! :dummy:

I must say though that nearing the end (the last 6 lines), I found the descriptions a bit more focused on the words used rather than on the image you were trying to create, if that makes any sense. ^^;
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well more like the realm of the dead ^^ Some divide it up into Hel and Niflheim, but it's actually one and the same (: But it does have nine frozen rivers and is classified as a cold and icy place ^^

Thank you!:blush: I tried really hard at that! And yes, never enough compliments! :la:

Hm, yeah I understand. You're right, I might want to edit that.
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Writer
Whoops. I was pretty far off. :XD: At least it's frozen!

It definitely shows that you've tried really hard at that. :nod: :hug:

It's all up to you whether to change it or not! :D I personally hate going back to edit poetry (but that happened after I started disliking writing poetry. :iconidkplz:).
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well it's sort of the same I guess xD

:huggle:

Yeah I'll have to see ^^ But whatever I do now, I tell those who critique me: Well... I'll do it later. after NNWM... I guess. I bet I'll have forgotten it all by then ^^;
Why do you dislike it?
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Writer
Of course, you should focus on Scavengers! :D That's what I would do too if I participated in Nanowrimo. :D

Well, I just... I don't know. ^^; I used to love writing poetry, wrote 4 a day on some days. But gradually I came to realize that I am bad at writing them. :XD: By that time, I started working on my novel so my priorities kind of switched to short stories, as practice. :D
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
^^ Problem is I can't write anymore... It all sounds... wrong.

What? I don't believe you. :noes:
But at least you write awesome short stories!!! They're... beast phrase is: Friggin Booyah! :eager:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Writer
Avy! Come here you. :iconsupertighthugplz:

Hello Avy. Look at my writing, now back to yours, now back at mine, now back to yours. Sadly, yours isn't mine, but if I stopped being a procrastinator and switched to hard work, I could write like you. Look down, back up, where are you? You're in a bookstore with the book your book could be like. What's in your hand, back at me. I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your write like Avy and not like a hobo. I'm in your house. :iconcreepysmileplz:


Thank you! :iconsparklylaplz:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:rofl: I'm dying right now! I'm laughing tears! Aaah!I can't breathe!! Wait. You're in my house... But I didn't clean! :iconcannotevenplz:


by the way... :iconsweethugplz:
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